Alex sits at the dinner table trying her best to stay invisible, her shoulders hunched as though bracing for impact. Any misstep – the way she holds her fork, the sound of her chewing – might ignite flames of rage from her parents, who seem to watch her every move with laser focus. The tension in the room feels suffocating, like a heavy weight pressing on her chest. She steals a glance at her little sister, who avoids eye contact, instinctively understanding the danger of drawing attention. In this family, Alex is the one who absorbs all the blame, keeping the fragile system from collapsing in on itself. She’s the “problem child,” the “bad apple,” the scapegoat.
Scapegoating in families is not simply about relational conflict—it is a symptom of chasmic dysfunction within a family system. Scapegoating keeps the family’s fragile balance intact, but it does so by unfairly targeting one person. The scapegoat is the sacrificial lamb used to dispel fear, avoid unresolved conflict, and to maintain control. The family system uses this individual time and time again, leaving the scapegoat emotionally and psychologically hollowed out.
Alex sits at the dinner table trying her best to stay invisible, her shoulders hunched as though bracing for impact.
The Dysfunction Behind the Blame
Scapegoating doesn’t occur in a vacuum– it is an unconscious unfolding within dysfunctional families. The scapegoat’s fundamental role is to absorb collective blame, becoming a repository for the family’s unspeakable conflicts. In many cases, scapegoating is a form of projection. This happens when family members unconsciously redirect their own difficult emotions, like shame or inadequacy, onto the scapegoat. By doing so, they avoid facing their own struggles while uniting against a common “problem,” albeit unfairly. When family members cannot face their own feelings of shame or inadequacy, they project these emotions onto the scapegoat. Ubaidi (2017) describes this as a way for families to “deflect attention from their own dysfunction and create a false sense of cohesion” (Ubaidi, 2017). In families with a history of addiction, for example, the shame associated with addiction may be too intolerable to confront. Instead of addressing it, parents might single out one child as “difficult” or “rebellious,” effectively deflecting attention from the real issue.
Power dynamics also play a critical role. In families with authoritarian parents, scapegoating can operate to assert dominance and suppress dissent. Parents who seek validation or control may sometimes focus on the child who questions their authority, using them as a target for blame. The dynamics of scapegoating essentially protect the system from change while perpetuating harm to the individual at its center.
The Toll on the Scapegoat
As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the devastating effects of scapegoating on the psyche. Many people find themselves wrestling with the negative narratives imposed upon them. Over time, these narratives can become internalized, debasing overall self-worth. Family systems research highlights that scapegoating can lead to long-term struggles with self-esteem and interpersonal trust (Ubaidi, 2017).
Within the family, the adult scapegoat is treated as an outsider, excluded from meaningful connections and denied the empathy extended to others. This sense of exclusion can spill over into the scapegoat’s broader relationships, making it difficult to trust others or experience deep relational connection.
The dynamics of scapegoating essentially protect the system from change while perpetuating harm to the individual at its center.
It’s not unusual to find oneself unconsciously replicating the dysfunctional patterns of one’s family, seeking out partners or friendships that mirror early family dynamics. This cycle of trauma can be difficult to break, particularly for individuals who lack support or resources. Research on family conflict and its consequences also suggests that scapegoated individuals are at increased risk for social isolation, both within their families and in broader relationships (Jessy Mota Lima, 2019).
Breaking the Cycle and Reclaiming Identity
Healing from scapegoating requires both understanding and action. The first step is recognizing that scapegoating is not a reflection of the individual’s worth or behavior—it is a symptom of the family’s dysfunction. This acknowledgment allows the person to begin separating their identity from the role imposed upon them and start the process of reclaiming their sense of self.
Scapegoating is one of the most damaging and misunderstood manifestations of family dysfunction.
Rebuilding self-worth often involves exploring identity outside the family’s narrative. For example, this could mean pursuing hobbies or interests that were previously dismissed by family members, or setting small, achievable personal goals to build confidence. These steps can help individuals rediscover their authentic selves apart from the labels imposed by their family. This may involve discovering their passions, internal resources, and activities that provide a sense of meaning. Setting boundaries is another essential step. Scapegoated individuals often feel trapped in their family’s dynamics, but establishing limits can provide emotional and physical distance from harmful interactions. Limiting contact with family members who refused to acknowledge the dysfunction and seeking out relationships that offer mutual respect and support may be necessary. Finally, reconnecting with others is critical to overcoming the isolation of scapegoating. Support groups, friendships, and even professional communities can provide validation and encouragement, helping scapegoated individuals feel seen and understood.
Scapegoating is one of the most damaging and misunderstood manifestations of family dysfunction. It is easy to blame the scapegoat, to accept the family’s narrative that one individual is responsible for all the problems. But the truth is far more complex. Scapegoating is not about the scapegoat—it is about the family’s inability to confront its own struggles.
References
Mota, J. (2019). The impact of family conflict on individual development. Journal of Family Systems Research, 12(3), 45-58.
Ubaidi, B. (2017). Scapegoating in dysfunctional families: A psychoanalytic perspective. International Journal of Family Psychology, 8(2), 22-39.
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